Praise Him in This Storm

I know, the title to a Casting Crowns' song...but really, this title is literal for me today! Last night I sat in the living room too exhausted to move from the chair once we put Noah down for the night.

I told Mark that I didn't know how we would get laundry done, get packed, "insert task here"...and in the end, I really didn't care. I went to bed...at 8:00.

This morning I got up for my quiet time, made myself a cup of yummy flavored coffee (which really made me think of mornings with Julie back the FBC Bryan days), put on my headphones, pulled up a Beth Moore Bible study and asked the Lord to prepare me for the day.

Then it happened...the call...school was closed for a snow day! Praise God...really!!! I didn't anticipate it (yes, I knew we were expecting snow, but we live in Missouri and they don't close school for an inch of snow...but they did today!).

Noah and I stayed home together.

He helped me by transferring my hose to Mark's sock drawer and Mark's socks to my drawer.



He helped close the dryer door just when I needed him too, and he made sure that the living room would still need picked up tonight as it does every night.



So...here are the results of the day:



I am praising Him for this storm!! I can't wait to see my Texas family and friends in less than a week!!

We're Coming!

Three weeks. That is how long before these feet touch Texas soil again! I honestly can't wait!

It has been a year and a half since I was last home. I am ready to reconnect with family and friends. I am ready for Noah to run on the A&M campus, to sit in the grass of Research Park, to be held by my family...and for him to meet those friends who are so dear to me there. So before we arrive, a few messages for those we will see...

Lisa & Ashley...I am ready for Sweet Eugene's, laughter, and probably a few tissues (although I promise not to inhale any while crying)!

Aunt Helen...you better warn Jake.

Mom and Dad...right...you won't spoil Noah.

Uncle Larry...Noah can pull the fire out of even the shortest hair.

Cynthia...you better keep Syla clear of Noah...he will really have the baby bug...and you just might catch it as well!

Aunt Lisa...Arthur should probably be warned as well. Oh, also...we bring a mess with us!

Jack, Sam, and Beth...we can't wait for Noah to play with y'all. He can walk...but hasn't quite learned sharing yet!

Seriously, we are so excited! We can hardly wait. I have already started packing the car...no, that isn't a joke.

We will come with lots and leave with so much more...

Love y'all and see you soon!!

Noah Update

For those of you who have been praying for Noah this past week, thank you! Keep praying though, he has had an allergic reaction to his antibiotic which has caused a severe rash on his torso, and fits of screaming (20-120 minutes at a time). We were up last night from 12:30-4:00 with him. He is just uncomfortable. We are asking for healing for his already weak body.

"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express." Romans 8:26

What a Difference a Year Makes

Last year at this time I was awaiting the arrival of little Noah. I had dreams, hopes, doubts, insecurities...
My house was decorated for the holidays, I was anticipating my first Christmas without my family, I was wondering what motherhood would really be like.
My clothes didn't fit, my shoes wouldn't go on, and my wedding ring hadn't seen my hand in months.
So now, a year later...I have new dreams, hopes, doubts, and insecurities...
My house in partially decorated for Thanksgiving and partially for Christmas. I am joyfully anticipating my first Christmas with Noah and my family. I am finding out what motherhood really is.
My clothes fit, but they are the old ones I wore before Noah, my shoes will go on...but I had to break down and buy a new pair, and my wedding ring is in my jewelry box because I haven't had a moment to put it on yet today.

Wow...

Noah's Birthday Party

OK, I may never get an invitation created, or mailed!

Noah will celebrate his 1st birthday a little early, and in Texas!

On Sunday, December 28th at 2:00 we will have Noah's party at my parents' house.

If you are reading this, and know us (hee, hee), then you are invited.



I can easily type this because only four people in Texas even read my blog, so there won't be a mad rush come December 28th.

Seriously, I hope to get invitations out...sometime in early December. Until then, mark your calendars!

My Little Penguin

Here he is...the greatest penguin of all times!



Sweet Noah, he didn't mind the costume.



He didn't mind only stopping at two houses.



He didn't mind that the candy all went to Daddy.



His favorite part of his first Halloween was stopping by his Nana Anita's house and petting her dalmatian, Lucy!

Perspective

5:00 a.m. -- Noah begins to stir. I groan.
5:30 a.m. -- Mark showers, I get Noah.
6:00 a.m. -- Noah snuggles on my lap.
6:30 a.m. -- I shower and rush to get ready.
7:25 a.m. -- I kiss Mark and Noah and head to work.
7:30 a.m. - 3:30 p.m. -- Work.
3:30 p.m. - 5:00p.m. -- Pick up Noah and play with him.
5:00 p.m. - 6:00 p.m. -- Dinner and bath for Noah
6:00 p.m. - 8:00 p.m. -- Read to Noah and play with him.
8:00 p.m. -- Eat dinner
8:30 p.m. -- Crawl into bed with house a mess.
8:45 p.m. -- Noah wakes up screaming.
9:10 p.m. -- Try to lay Noah down, he continues screaming.
9:45 p.m. -- Finally get Noah in his crib...asleep.
9:45 p.m. -- Go to bed for a second time.
11:45 p.m. -- Noah wakes up screaming. Up until 1:30 trying to get him back to bed.
1:30 a.m. -- Climb back into bed and discuss Noah's sleep pattern with Mark.
2:00 a.m. -- Last time I see on the clock.
5:00 a.m. -- Repeat.

This is, and has been, our schedule for the last four weeks or so. We don't know why Noah won't sleep. We are exhausted. We have skipped church so Noah can nap...and we can too. We have bags under our bags. We forget the sentence we just started. We are crying out to God for rest for Noah...for us.

Then, perspective. I picked Noah up from daycare on Monday. The news. A three month old baby in the care of another had died from SIDS that day. I did not know the parents, it didn't matter. I dropped to my knees and wept. Something deep within me wept for that precious baby, for those parents who were weeping, for the woman we know who gently placed that sweet baby down for a simply nap only to return to stillness that wasn't right.

I sat holding Noah last night for two hours. I will never complain about getting to hold my precious little one late in the wee hours again. How the mother must long to feel her baby in her arms again. The emptiness she must feel.

Please pray for the family. For the sitter.

A Moment Like This...

Numb. That is how I feel.

I saw it coming. I screamed, knowing the outcome.

There was simply nothing I could do to stop it.

Today Noah, for the first time, was thrilled to play in his walker. We put on this shoes and ventured outside. The sun was shining, Dixie was dancing around. It was a scene right out of Norman Rockwell.

Until it happened.

I had come inside early and Mark and Noah followed. The walker and Dixie were still outside. I unchained her and grabbed the walker the only way I could. It wasn't ideal, I was holding on to the removable toy attachment.



We, Dixie, me, and the walker, came in the front door only to be greeted by a smiling Noah on all fours.

That's when it happened. The removable attachment gave way. In a split second my mind realized the next event would happen without me being able to control it at all.

The walker, my son...

The walker fell on Noah's head...his head.

Not his arm.

Not his leg.

My precious baby's head.

He screamed.

And screamed.

I felt numb.

I am still numb.

I came to the internet. I checked a friend's blog...no new post...I was hoping...

I went to a favorite site...Mom and Loving It

Right there...

Life is full of frustrations and challenges. The good news - “…his compassions never fail. They are new every morning.” Lamentations 3:23

Then, on my iGoogle page, "But he gives us more grace." James 4:6

When human hands and arms can't comfort, I find comfort in those words.

Noah is doing fine.

A goose egg.

A large scrape.

As for me, this mother's heart is still being healed...by the Great I Am.

Why?

I am preparing to teach the Art of Writing to several elementary classes. As I began preparing, I started asking myself the question, "Why?"

Why do I write a blog rarely visited by anyone?

Why do I spend time editing it?

Rethinking?

Rereading?

Brainstorming?


Perhaps it is because I had someone tell me that those were the steps to proper writing. Perhaps it is because I will never let go of the Journalism degree that hangs in my office. Then I realized that it is for all of those reasons and more.

I realized that I write it for me and that writing is part of who I am. Without following some formalized writing my thoughts would be confusing. There would be thoughts without completion, without understanding.

I thought about deleting my blog. Giving up. After all, if I am the audience and I am the writer, why bother?

My sister-in-law once said, "Your blog is like your journal, only you let everyone read it." Everyone, by the way, can be counted on one hand.

How true it is. When I need to express my thoughts I come here.

One day I want to print those entries I wrote while I was pregnant and just after I had Noah. I want him to have them as a memory of me when I am one day not able to tell him how deeply I loved him before he was born.

Maybe this blog is part of my legacy; how I want others to remember me.

So, students of Kingsville, I write, not because I have to, but because I want to. While you have to compose paragraphs on paper, I compose here. On this blog. My challenge to you is for you to find your voice. Leave your legacy. I can't wait to be part of your journey.

For my friends and family who do read my blog...thanks...it is nice to know I have an audience, but I realize now that I will always have an audience. An audience of One. He knows why I write. Why I need to write. Why I only write when I feel called. So, hang in there with me. I will update my posts...eventually!

Cable Guy

This year Mark was blessed with tenure and a promotion. While the Board of Regents voted to approve in February the benefits did not come until July...what a wait!

So, to celebrate this event we upgraded to a DVR!



I can't say enough about it...I have already taped Project Runway and Shear Genius and watched both...commercial free...pausing to take care of Noah...and Dixie.



What makes this most memorable is Noah. He is beginning to recognize people...and longs to be held by them. So...the cable guy looked like my brother...who just visited. Noah cried and fussed...reaching for the cable guy! So much so that I had to leave the room with him.



Poor Noah, missed his Uncle Larry already! I hate to see daycare drop-offs for Mark in two weeks!

How I Spent My Summer Vacation

This summer Mark and I chose to stay home. To relax. To gather ourselves after beginning such an amazing new chapter in our lives. With these plans came wonderful visits from family.

My parents came.



Mark's family came.



My brother came.


Helen will be here in two weeks.

My house has been filled with laughter and noise.

I am blessed...I have had a great summer.

Has It Been That Long?

I can't believe it has been months since I've typed here. It's not that nothing has happened, it's that everything happened at once.

I went back to work.

Noah had an ear infection.

Followed by a cold.

He stopped sleeping through the night.

My mom visited.



Then my grandma came.




My sister couldn't be left out, she came too.



Several young people whom I love graduated.



I moved 10,000 library books.

I'm finally at home.

The Same Place

Where have I been?



The same place I was weeks ago. More than just at home with Noah. I have been in a place of submission. Weeks ago I was reading in James and the Lord brought me to James 1:29. "Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry."

What did it mean? I have read the verse, I have had it memorized for years. Did it have the same meaning to me today as it did 10 years ago? I wasn't sure why this verse remained with me so strongly, but I knew the Lord must have a purpose for it. Unfortunately, there are examples of both the denial that the verse was for me and acceptance that it was.

The Denial


Then there was the call, you know, the one that should be routine, but isn't. My mom called to tell me she had booked a flight for my grandmother's visit. I had my plans, she had her's. They weren't in alignment. I spoke, not slowly though. I didn't listen to the verse that had been with me weeks before the call. Then it hit me. The verse isn't just about holding your temper. It is about the way we say things. It is about praying before speaking. It is about listening to the needs of someone other than ourselves. I blew it. I apologized to my mother, but it was out there...you know, that something that could have been avoided had I listened to the verse.

Beginning to Understand
After the phone call I began to have similar situations pop up...not with my mom, but with Mark, with friends, with my sister. Rather than saying anything that came to mind, I began asking for revelation.

Have I said I have a wonderful husband? I do. He would do anything for me. Sometimes I have to ask for help, but once he is aware of a need, he always responds in love.

Mark had gone back to work. During the week I am quick to attend to Noah's cries so that Mark can rest and be prepared for the workday ahead of him. Then came the weekends. Mark continued to rest through the night while I continued to take care of Noah's 2:30 a.m. feeding. I was upset. Mark did not know it. I prayed. I waited. I asked the Lord to give me the words to speak to Mark. I asked for patience. I asked for Mark to receive my words in love.

In the end, I talked to Mark, after waiting for the right timing, the right words, and in love. He was gracious. He was apologetic. He was everything I needed him to be.



The entire conversation could have turned out differently had I handled it on my own, without the inspired words from James.

Where am I
I am still in the same place. The Lord has not had me move on. James it is...Chapter 1, Verse 19. How can He have me stay in the same place for so long? Why has He not moved me on? I don't know, but one day I will. One day He will move me on. For now, I stay, still and quiet.

Quirks, I Don't Have Any :-)

While I wasn't officially tagged, I think this is fun...and Noah is sleeping so I actually have time to write on my blog!!

Here are the rules:
(1) Link to the person that tagged you.
(2) Post the rules on your blog.
(3) Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
(4) Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs. (I tag Lisa L., Helen, Mom, Laura A., Cynthia, and Jayme...they don't have blogs, but I am tagging them just the same).
(5) Let each random person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their website.

So, quirky....

1. I make up words to popular songs that fit the moment...I can't think of ANY at this moment though! If Mark were here he could give me an example, he has joined in on this and my sister does it as well. Not everyone will understand, but if you have caught me doing this unexpectedly you will know it. For example, "I love candy" (thinks 80s) becomes "I love honey"...(as I sing it to Mark).

2. I do not like things left on the kitchen counter. I will move my already overstuffed cabinets around to clear things from the counter. Mark can never find anything and my parents do not like that the toaster is not on the counter at all times.

3. I have to shave my legs everyday! I was obsessed with this during labor. Since I went into labor at midnight and my water broke I was not allowed to shower or bathe that day...it drove me insane. The very next morning I went and showered...and c-section and all, I raised my legs in the tiny hospital shower and shaved!

4. I can't stand icky feet! I think if a woman, or man, wears sandals, flip-flops, he/she should have clean toes and nice heels. I tell the high school kids this all of the time and I even cut Mark's toenails and buff them during the summer months. In fact, I had a pedicure right before giving birth to Noah. I was worried I would have unacceptable toes during delivery. Two nurses actually complimented them!! I am not sure how I will take in pedicures with Noah, but I will. If I don't you won't see me in sandals!

5. I check my e-mail obsessively! I don't know why I do this, but I will check it numerous times a day...even while I have been home with Noah. What makes this quirky is that I don't get that many e-mails a day!

6. If I ask Mark to do something I want him to do it immediately, even if it is not a pressing issue. Poor Mark!!! I try not to nag, and he has gotten used to it...but it is one quirky habit I would love to break!

So that is it. I can't wait to read (via e-mail) what everyone else's quirks are that I tagged...

Five and Counting

Noah slept five hours last night. He slept four and a half hours the night before. Mark had to wake me from a deep sleep to tell me my little boy was awake and crying. I told him I had Noah in my arms...I had a squishy pillow.



Our little man is finally settling into life.

He takes medicine for acid reflux.

He has rice cereal in his bottle.

He sleeps on his tummy...a no-no in the pediatric field, a must if he is going to sleep at all.

He smiles when you raise your voice to a high pitch.




He smiles when he lays under the star that changes colors on his floor gym.



He cries when you wake him from a nap.

He loves taking a bath and getting a lotion massage.

He is six weeks old today.

Noah's Arrival, January 5, 2008

It was 12:04 a.m. I felt "strange." I woke Mark up out of a deep sleep. My water broke...we made our calls and headed to Kansas City.



Twelve hours of labor...two tries at an epidural...one cesarean birth later and little Noah arrived!



Only, he wasn't so little. Nine pounds, 20.5 inches long, a head full of black hair, and perfect.

New Mercies

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:22-23

Days after Noah was born I found myself in a place I never expected. It was a place of can'ts, couldn'ts, and don'ts. I couldn't give birth naturally. I couldn't breast feed. I don't know why my baby cries. I can't find time to clean house, cook, or write thank yous.

I sat at the computer, crying. Mark prayed for me. Motherhood has left me humbled, confused, elated, exhasuted, and full of insecurities. As Mark prayed for me the Lord reminded me of the verse in Lamentations.

To my can'ts, the Lord says, "I can." To my couldn'ts, the Lord said, "I did." To my don'ts, the Lord says, "I do." Truly, each morning I ask for new mercies, new compassions. The Lord is faithful to pour them down on me.

Years ago I poured out my heart to Him in worship with a verse that reads, "Let your mercies fall from Heaven...new mercies for today, shower them down as we pray." It is those same mercies that I am crying out for again, allowing the Lord to minister to my needs as a wife and mother.

I think about those women who are new mothers, as I am, who have no hope in Jesus as their Lord and Savior. I pray for these same mercies for them, that the Lord who showers me with compassion would shower them with the same. I pray that they would find their hope in Him as their babies cry and there is no answer. As they struggle with unexpected challenges in motherhood. As they stumble through the day on only a few hours of sleep.

I would like to write that Noah is sleeping better and crying less...I can't...not yet. But I believe that his cries are being comforted by the same Lord who is comforting me. Join us as we pray for rest for little Noah, knowing that we serve a God who answers our prayers.




"And He took the children in His arms, put His hands on them and blessed them." Mark 10:16